waiting

I woke up at 2:46 a.m. with my thoughts bouncing around my head at warp speed. It’s unusual for me to do that. In fact, I like my sleep. A lot.

My mom said that whenever she finds herself awakened in the middle of the night, she prays for people. I probably should do that too. But instead, I find myself making lists of things I need to do: running through party plans for Charlie, worrying about getting the house ready for a afternoon showing tomorrow, thinking about what I am going to wear to church…

so now, here I am… writing…and thinking. Because I can’t stop.

I don’t know if it has something to do with my age, or the stage of life that I’m in right now, but I can’t help but feel like I’m stuck in a waiting room of sorts. Like things are meant to happen…just not yet.

When I go to the doctor’s office, I usually pick up a last month’s crinkled up copy of People magazine and catch up on a little important reading. I flip through the pages of Parents magazine and ponder all of the ways that I’m doing the “parent” thing wrong. I play stupid games on my phone. At first, waiting isn’t so bad. But after I’ve read every magazine and run out of things to “google” on my phone, I start getting antsy and bored: two emotions that are almost always followed by irritation and frustration. Will it EVER be my turn? Has the doctor forgotten about me?

I’m waiting now. So I read about people who are doing world-changing things. I see photos of hungry children and the hopeless. I hear stories of people fulfilling their God-created purpose in their lives, and I wonder…what does God have planned for me? What does He want for my little family? What does He see for our future? When will I begin to fulfill His purpose for my life?

Some of you may read that and think I’m being silly or dramatic. Others may read it and think that I’m saying that I’m unhappy with my life or that I don’t love being a mother and wife. That’s not what I’m saying. Motherhood and marriage are God-given purposes. I love being a mother and a wife…but there is a stirring in my heart too. It’s why I’m awake right now. Maybe it’s dramatic, but maybe it’s something else.

When I talk to people about my feeling of unrest, I think it makes them nervous. Like I’m going to do some crazy Thelma and Louise kind of thing. They say things like, “Well, maybe you just need to go to the gym.” or “Why don’t you go to lunch with some of your friends?” because they want to fix it for me.  It’s a loving and sweet thing to do, but it’s not really what I need. I can’t fix the waiting. I just have do it. I have to wait. And that is not something that I’m really good at.

Just when I begin to feel irritated  or frustrated, just when I think, “Will it EVER be my turn? Has He forgotten about me?” I’m reminded of His command to “Be still and know that I am God” and the beautiful promise of Jeremiah 29:11 – ” ‘For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord. ‘Plans to help you and not to harm you. To give you a future and a hope.’ ” and those feelings of unrest turn into feelings of expectation.

Because I know that He has good things planned. And it gives me the strength to wait a little longer.